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solitude

second volume of poems on the self - mostly written in 2018 - traversing the themes of individuality, loneliness, abandonment and judgment
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solitude

This collection of 14 texts in verse is the second volume of poems on the self. 11 of these poems were written in 2018, while 2 – a dream poem and एहसास – were written in 2017. थूक was written in 2000 from within a very vicious context, but it was recreated in July 2021.

These poems traverse the themes of individuality, loneliness, abandonment and judgment while each carrying the emotion of solitude within.

In terms of language, the collection follows my general trend while addressing the self: predominantly English poems – 9 as against the 5 in Hindustani.

04.06.21

थूक

किसका उगला चाटा
जो मुझ पर थूकेगा
नफ़रत के तेरे ज़ुबां भी नहीं
किस क़दर थूकेगा

ग़र थूकना ही है
तो नज़र ऊँची कर
के लहराती है परछाईं
मेरी आसमाँ पर

लरज़ती आग बुझे
जिस्म के घाव भरे
जो सहमे से दूर हैं खड़े
वही थूक से डरें

ऐसा कभी कुछ न खा
जो चबा-चबा न निगले बने
थूकना है तो थूकदे ग़ुस्सा
इससे पहले के ये काँटा बने ज़हर बने

२०००, ०२.०६.२१

a dream poem

missed another train in
a long time last night
I’d figured out a way of
beating it to the next station
but no one else seemed interested
none seemed to care
it occurred to me that I
should write down my dreams
not to know the meaning
but to see if there’s a poem behind

26.02.17

एहसास

कैसी कीड़ों सी ताक में तबीयत
औरों को जाल में उलझाने की
इंसान गर जानले अहमियत
अपने ख़याल सुलझाने की

शर्म मज़हब पैसे रिश्तेदार कारोबार
कैसा होता गर इनका इल्म न होता
बनो बड़े बनो सयाने बनो दुनियादार
अच्छा होता गर बचपन पर ये ज़ुल्म न होता

दिल दिमाग़ प्यार परवाह जिस्म जुनूँ
बौखलाए भटक रहे बंदे बिखेर बाँट कर
रगो़ में पनपते जज़्बातो-ख़याल याद्दाश्तो-लहू
बह गए तो क्या हासिल धूल और ख़ाक़ छाँट कर

05.06.17

एक

बेमिसाल बेहिसाब सैलाब में इक लम्हा
आँधी लिए सराँखों पे सीने में इक शमा
धूल धुएँ में आग या बरखा मैं इक कहाँ

02.02.18

इंतज़ार

रौशनी से ख़फ़ा नहीं
दिन ढलने का है इंतज़ार

रात से वफ़ा नहीं
नींद का है इंतज़ार

नींद कमबख़्त आती नहीं
सुकूं का है इंतज़ार

सुकूं तो अंधेरों में नहीं
फिर किसका है इंतज़ार

02.02.18

the poem: a love child

born out of desire and surrender
the pleasure and pain of resonance
joy at having transcended myself
also suspicion: is it really mine
happiness at its need for me
anxiety of watching it grow
rage at its disregard for me
grief of not being forever with it
peace at each being our own
the curse of a lone nomad

feb’ & march 18

good enough

are you not good enough
as one doesn’t deserve goodness
at least not so spontaneously

not without hard toil and suffering
not without proving that I am worth
not unless I become good enough myself

you are either the authority
that validates my goodness
or neither of us is good enough

11.03.18

inhabiting the abandoned

some dreams drain sweat and blood
yet remain unrealized and half-bred
how beautiful could they be
to become what they were meant to be
as skeletons they still are poignant
echoing desires unmoved and silent

the light washes benevolently though
as the quite leaves indifferently grow
care not to know if ‘am worth or complete
move in and fade out slow and discreet
together inhabiting even those abandoned
embracing one and all beloved or shunned

22.03.18

caves within caving in

the cave of my intellect
and the cave of my feelings
both are independent but interconnected

while one is hard, cold and full of shards
the latter is soft, warm and foggy
both are beautifully complex
although intimidating, one is firm
while the other is a moving labyrinth
both are equally enticing
in one you’ll meet precision and anger
the latter shares generosity and grief
both inadvertently offer truth
while one gapes wide open
the latter has discreet openings
both are independent but interconnected

you may have entered one from the other
or having entered are yet to see the other
but as you wait in my embrace
prepare to be tossed from one to another
as I writhe in my recurrent restless dreams
but I plead you to wait, give me company
to help me find the many other caves
that are emerging within or lay hidden
that are independent but interconnected

03.05.18

वजूद

बोझल साँसें और सबा रुकी है
माथे पे शिकन पर नज़र झुकी है
बेक़रार ख़्वाहिशें ख़ामोश
बेबस ख़यालात भी ख़ामोश
मरकज़-ए-वजूद से मगर हूक उठी है

२६.०५.१८

before it ends

breath crawling in caustic stagnant air
desires and intellect lying mute in despair
setting gaze chiseling a fork on the forehead
yet soothing melancholic calls emanate
from forgotten depths behind the navel
will it dawn before the torch or the shovel

26.05.18

being seen

do you feel bursts of joy
with seeds of sorrow within
grief and pleasure at once
at how it was and what it’s been
colliding ripples of love & longing
guilt & gratitude for being seen

26.07.18

debris of dreams

mind body feelings spirit
torn open at seams
drifting in space
among debris of dreams
let go let go let go
none is what it seems

10.11.18

solitude

I know your secret that you know mine
you too have begun to acknowledge
the unreasonableness of your demand
it is one thing to desire fusion
to seek dissolving into the other
and it’s altogether another
to want the other transparent
as long as you are you and me I
there will a breath, a beat, a pulse
defining each, independent of the other
the pursuit of oneness is just that
an unbearable and insatiable pursuit
if at all, it is unimaginably momentary
in a blink we relapse into our boundaries
I have fallacies to believe in too
seeking union without boundaries
yet I seek not oneness but solitude

14.12.18

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mail@designpendulum.com

terms of use

site design : compoundeye compoundeye

site development : malkum malkum

© 2020. Design Pendulum.