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Author: Siddharth
Publication: October 2021
Language: English & Hindustani
Numbers: twelve poems
Theme: love as desire, longing and presence

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we’re even

Eleven of the twelve poems in this second volume on love are from 2018, while ‘what could we be‘ was originally penned in 2002 and rewritten in ’19 & ’21. Three poems are in Hindustani (with Devnagri script) and the rest in English.

The poems reflect upon the forms of love: as longing, as desire and as presence. They deliberate on the thrill of myriad infatuations, the anxiety of abandonment, the disappointment against the expectations, the regret from the inability to love and the fear of fulfillment.

In these verses there are attempts at measuring the distance between passion & compassion, the balance between torts & retorts, the amplification of one’s lack of faith in the self as the inability to trust others and the gap between loving in real & the fantasy of love.

abandoned

you left as though fleeing fire
leaving me hurt & confused
as though telling me again
I’d let your faith down
for the first time you said it
tears had choked your anger

you left as if a punishment
for yourself more than me
for loving & wanting me
without knowing how to
but your silence bellows
or so I’d like to believe

22.12.18

what could we be

overwhelmingly beautiful and wild
brilliance and tenderness unreconciled
deepest of desires you personify
far deeper than what meets the eye
not in dreams nor on a pedestal
touching the soul yet untouchable

to share is to violate
in stories lies violence
that’s how we live and grow
by dying more than once
we shall be part of one another
not in person but in silence
unborn, undying, untimed, unplaceable
memory is vulnerable resilience

whether it’s love
or finding music for one’s song
the journey is excruciatingly joyful
eventfully painful and long
but we must walk the distance
all alone or with another
gathering our fragments together
discovering ourselves and the other

2002, 04.01.19 & 01.06.21

all about presence

I really have loved many
but haven’t yet found any
that would not possess me

being aching n weary
eyes shut tight or teary
we wouldn’t see clearly

we knew we were stealing
the joy was worth concealing
it helped us in our healing

there was but one relief
that deeply touched my grief
but alas it was too brief

if you ask me what’s the essence
I see it in moments of grave silence
all’s been about complete presence

18.07.18, 31.05.21

वफ़ा

जो मुझे भूलने की ठान रखी है
वो ये तो बतादें कि यादें कहाँ रखी हैं

नजाइज़ बेरुख़ी से अब हताश हूँ
गर बतादें मुझे तो ख़ुद को तलाश लूं

के ख़्वाहिशों उम्मीदों का रस उभरने लगा है
सीने में जो कुआँ सा था अब भरने लगा है

गर न बताना हो तो अब हमेशा चुप रहो
या मेरी आँहों में पिघल सब कुछ कहो

जो छाई है मायूस खिज़ा क़ू-ब-क़ू
करलो मुलाक़ाते-इलाज कुछ गुफ़्तगू

19.02.18

meet you

either the distant gaze of my fantasy

or the extreme close up of mundane chores

it seems unbearable to meet you in-between

in the reality of your fertile shores

21.03.18

I Love You

I will not say the words
they seem to only bring you pain
remind you of what didn’t happen
or what should’ve happened
or how it ought to happen
perhaps it is for the same reason
that it took me so long to know
that I too could say the words
but I will not say the words
but I want you to know
that I love you

08.03.18

तुम भी

यक़ीनन
मेरे ख़यालो-अल्फ़ाज़ में तुम हो
बेशक़
मेरे तसव्वुरो-जज़्बात में तुम हो
वाक़ई
इस बात पर क्यों अफ़सोस तुमको
हरगिज़
ये ज़रूरी नहीं के सिर्फ़ तुम ही तुम हो

२७.०३.१८

छल

तरसते लम्हे
तुम्हारी खोई खिली हँसी ढूण्डते
बदन में धँसे
तुम्हारे नाख़ू के निशाँ टटोलते

बेलगाम धड़कनें
बेबाक़ लड़खड़ाती बड़बड़ाती
बेसब्र नज़रें
थकी आरज़ू खुली आँख सो जाती

रूखी करवटें
भीगी बिखरी सिसकियाँ लपेटती
इल्ज़ामों के गुच्छे
उल्झी शिकायतें रुसवाइयाँ समेटदी

मुहब्बत बेशुमार
अक्स तुम्हारा मुझसे मिलता हो हूबहू
पर हिम्मत लाचार
कहीं तुम अचानक न मिलजाओ रूबरू

27.03.18

from passion to compassion

what is it to not
be able to love
but perpetually long

it is the inability
to be present
to bear presence

the disease of imagination
the poverty of emotions
the lack of courage

there is passion in longing
but not a robust one
that will survive reality

passion perhaps wouldn’t
whither in the light of reality
it should blossom in spite

and when it fruits
because of reality
it becomes compassion

passionate in isolation
compassionate in multitude
tough test of individuality

31.05.21

we’re even

You say less
I say none
You say yes
I say when
You say speak
I say run
You say now
I say then
You say pain
I chicken
You hold me near
I may soften
You may relent
I say often
You say what you may
I say we may be even

04.06.18

faith

my intimacy is fragmented
into islands that know not much
about me or each other
any more than I would know
about myself or another
they need to be little secrets
that may not mean much
but need to be protected
from the mention of the other
is it that I don’t trust the others
or I don’t trust myself with others
but it is about trust… missing

06.18

apologies and abandonment

it seems to me
it’s likely to be
a never ending series
of apologies
sought and unsaid

for abandoning
those who love me
those whom I love
those whom I could’ve loved
and those whom I couldn’t

none may end
neither the apologies
nor the abandonment
the story is likely to be
true and told only partially

07.09.18

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